Tan Madge

Sporting a tan dermis for about 29 + 2 years. . .

Because my life feels like a sitcom. Sometimes it is on Fox. Sometimes on the WB. Sometimes on VH1 on a Sunday morning.

Some episodes are definitely better than others. Which is why a boxed-set probably won't be hitting stores until at least 2013.
March 5

Things achieved while completing the “Master Cleanse”-written on the eve of the end of a fast

  • Squeaky clean intestines and colon—toxin free, or whatever
  • Acute sense of smell
  • Ability to remain completely calm in all recent life & professional situations
  • Need to be perfectly direct and assert myself in ALL situations—something I have been striving for my ENTIRE life
  • Craving for plain, rolled oats mixed with fresh blueberries—craving lasted the duration of the fast
  • Shiny hair
  • Undereye circles? What undereye circles?
  • My first actual faint since 1994—don’t worry I knew it was coming and hit the deck before it happened.
  • Wore a coat 24/7
  • Improved swimming speed / time
  • Let myself rest for three days: great movies, early bedtime, turned the phone off.
  • Realized how much think-less eating is done throughout the day by students and colleagues
  • Weaned off of coffee and caffeinated tea—mint and chamomile? Not so bad for a mid-morning break.
  • Only thought about sex once, and decided I needed to think about staying hydrated.
  • Met/spoke with a new “gentleman caller” — zero analysis, nervousness or straight-off-the-bat judgment
  • Had sudden waves of strange tingley-ness that shot all over my body, and frankly, that shit was cool.
  • A newfound appreciation, and need for consideration of everything I put in my mouth—wang included!