Tan Madge

Sporting a tan dermis for about 29 + 2 years. . .

Because my life feels like a sitcom. Sometimes it is on Fox. Sometimes on the WB. Sometimes on VH1 on a Sunday morning.

Some episodes are definitely better than others. Which is why a boxed-set probably won't be hitting stores until at least 2013.
March 9

And now, let’s talk about chewing lips & poking hips

Another date story—I am sure you’re shocked.

We went to a Blazer game which was a lot of fun! Two rows behind the Blazer bench, Rudy Fernandez looked at me twice during huddles, and smiled once (I made an idiot of myself by looking back at him, simply shocked)—all in all a great game.

My date walks me to my door, gives me a smooch, and begins nibbling on the lower right corner of my bottom lip—this is all before the tongue made its debut, mind you. He nibbled it as if he were trying to peel the skin off of a grape. Unfortunately for both of us, it wasn’t a grape it was my lower lip. Then comes the tongue, four rapid-fire stab-like, darting motions into the shocked and motionless “o” shape that was my slightly open mouth. Oh, it gets better.

After about 20-30 seconds of this weird kissing choreography that seemed to match the beat of “Walk Like an Egyptian” in my mouth, I feel it. That’s right, folks, the bone. He quickly puts his hands on my hips and begins grinding his gun into my hip. It is worth noting that we are: 

  1. On a first date.
  2. Outside and in public.
  3. Not at that hot-and-heavy point of a great makeout session yet—as a matter of fact, we aren’t even warmed up (Frankly, I’m at the wearing mittens and putting on skis stage of hot-and-heavy with this guy).
  4. evidently engaging in dry humping (although I am an unwilling participant) on the sidewalk in front of my neighbors. Most likely they will be bringing this up at my next HOA meeting and there will be a new rule about grinding in the communal spaces.

This is a “gentleman” that I went out with in November. He is 40 and, as warned by Old Testament J, is probably going crazy thinking about hot nights with a much younger woman. Nah.

I’m sticking with my original hypothesis: he learned these moves while going to high school in the 80’s and was therefore influenced by the Reagan administration.