Tan Madge

Sporting a tan dermis for about 29 + 2 years. . .

Because my life feels like a sitcom. Sometimes it is on Fox. Sometimes on the WB. Sometimes on VH1 on a Sunday morning.

Some episodes are definitely better than others. Which is why a boxed-set probably won't be hitting stores until at least 2013.
August 21

Things / Ideas that freak me out while swimming at the gym:

  1. Even though it is only 4’ of water, there is always the potential to drown. I hear it can happen in 2” of water.
  2. I’m soaking my body in the same water as the hairy guy in the next lane. His (along with others’) genital juice is near and on my face. Usually I get dinner and a little makeout before this happens.
  3. When getting out of the pool and into the hot tub, I almost hit the Emergency switch instead of the jet button.
  4. I have a hard time seeing the wall at the end of the lane. I could faceplant into it any day now.
  5. The end of said lane faces a glass wall that separates the pool from the gym lobby.
  6. Someone in the lobby could witness (in a cozy lounge chair) items 1, 3 and 4.
  7. Seeing / touching an abandoned / floaty: bandaid, condom, tampoon. I would freak out and swim away as fast as I could (as if it were a shark) and try to talk myself into reporting the offensive object to the front desk.
  8. Front desk would think offensive object is MINE and I’m trying to get attention.
  9. I think about something funny mid-stroke, and start flailing and choking genital water OR WORSE…
  10. I think about something funny mid-stroke, and pee.
  11. What if other people pee in the pool?!?!?!?
  12. My swimsuit, which is getting old, is becoming a bit transparent in the tush, and while swimming others can see my ass crack. Thank GOD I make a point to make myself Brazil-friendly.
  13. Someone else begins to drown, I run to hit the Emergency switch and instead hit the jet bubble dial. The Firemen come (I stick around because I LOVE Firemen) and they laugh and then ignore me because my swimsuit is janky and they can see my ass crack. I get embarassed and pee myself—everyone now thinks I’m a pool-tinkler. No “Just Married” sign hanging off the back of a fire engine for me. Again.