February 2008
29 posts
Been a long time since "Loveline"
I’m watching Celebrity Rehab on VH1 with Dr. Drew. Let me tell you what: something poignant has happened to me in the last 10 years. 18 year-old TM: Listening to “Loveline,” wearing corduroy pants and goodwill t-shirts, buying hemp necklaces, thought Dr. Drew had a stick up his ass. 28 year-old TM: Watching VH1, aiming for a 10:30 bedtime, and thinks Dr. Drew is SMOKING HOT....
“I want us to have so much fun that someone is going to get arrested.”
– TM and HH planning the weekend. We like to “aim low” with our weekend goals.
La Half-Raza!
Bro: Wait, do you. . .wait. Do you think Raffi was Mexican-American?
TM: Yes I do sir!
Bro: Wait. Wait. Do you think that's why Mom and Papi gave us his music?
TM: Yep.
Bro: Really? You think so? Whoa.
TM: Viva La Half-Raza!
Bro: Wow. No shit.
“I think the weirdest part of my day was realizing that I had the capacity to...”
– TM telling her brother about her Raffi music realization today. After asking him, we went through the lyrics to “Grandpa’s Farm,” and “De Colores,” which we both knew every word to. And then we reminisced about the concert. Oh, the Raffi concert. I can’t wait...
January 2008
101 posts
Red is my favorite color
HH: Dude I can't drive out for yoga. Too much snow.
TM: You have a frigging Subaru!
HH: Annnnd? You want me to drive on Cornell in this weather? Seriously?
TM: Yeah (laughing) yeah, I do!
HH: Why are you laughing? Do you want me to die trying to make it out for hot yoga tonight? You want me to die???
TM: (laughing) Yeah, ____! I want you to die! It is all part of my plan. And then I will show up to your funeral in a red dress! What do you think about that?
HH: I'll think about it.
The film vs. the novel--yeah, its long. I don't...
Ian McEwan’s Atonement was beautifully adapted to the big screen. Cinematography is as lush and sensual as pouring melted chocolate on your chest while listening to a Barry White album. Sadly, the novel was NOT included in the twenty-mile English Major’s reading list during undergrad, nor was it present in the eleven-mile Masters of Art Program reading list. So I took it upon myself...
“We have a snowday today and I will be spending my morning watching “The...”
– A text message I sent to the friends that I used to watch “FPOBA” with when we were kids. I wish they would call in sick and come over to my house to play “snowday” with me!
“Chapeau means hat. Oeuf means egg. It’s like those French have a different...”
– Steve Martin on one of my all-time FAVORITE records of his early stand-up comedy. Back in the day, when we used walkmans I recorded this onto a tape so that I could listen to it during a long flight during summer vacation. Priceless!
Oh there's more.
I was just reminded how much I, Miss Tan Madge, HATE sideways smiley faces on texts. The language used in this mode of correspondence should make the smile, wink, tongue-out, etc, completely obvious to the reader. If one needs to use this weak-ass exploitation of punctuation marks, then one is committing to bogus writing and is wasting my text time, and, I might add, the text time of every...
Call me crazy
…but I think that “Cooper Nielsen” in the film Center Stage is a pointy-toed wad of douchebaggery without anything to offer the opposite sex (or his own for that matter), and I think Jody was nuts to hit-it-and-quit-it with him. By the way, I will admit that I bashfully love watching this B-class film! Tanmadge
Bustin' up in the "Pad"
Soon to be ex-roomie busts up in the house as soon as Trinidad leaves (I swear she was up the street watching and waiting for her car to pull away—the timing was TOO perfect). I’m in the bathroom plucking my stray eyebrows, door closed. She yells “Hi!!! It’s me!! I’m here!” I respond with “Hi, I’m in here.” I hear her stomping around the tiny...
“Did you see him? The love of my life? Yeah, he was holding hands…with a...”
– HH after yesterday’s Hot Yoga class.
DUDE!!!!
I don’t want to pre-ruin your experience on your date. If it is one thing I have learned from my dating (albeit ruinous and hilarious) experiences, it is OUR job to school peeps on the GREAT places to go. Why not help HIM learn some fantastic places to venture out to? Il Piatto on 26th & Ankeny in SE for dinner perhaps? Pix on Williams in NE for a slice of flourless chocolate cake and a...
To HH and her blind date. . .
I don’t want to pre-ruin your experience on your date. If it is one thing I have learned from my dating (albeit ruinous and hilarious) experiences, it is OUR job to school peeps on the GREAT places to go. Why not help HIM learn some fantastic places to venture out to? Il Piatto on 26th & Ankeny in SE for dinner perhaps? Pix on Williams in NE for a slice of flourless chocolate cake and a...
Living in Portland, an insider's guide--Part One
New people in town, always think it is a good idea to live downtown, downtown. In any other city, this is the appropriate living choice for a young, spunky, hip individual, but not in Portland. Downtowndowntown (or as we shall label it Dodo) in our fair little city, is, well, neither young, nor spunky, nor hip. It is sort of slow. With the sucky restaurants, bars, pool halls, greasy,...
The Professor Dreamy Debate Continues
Me: She didn't ask me, "Do you like Jesus?"
Bianca: Or "Are you willing to name you first child Abraham? Or Moses? Or Hagar?"
One would think that if said candidate was a very involved Christian, these types of questions would get to the point more quickly: How soon do you want to have children? Because I'm a virgin and am DYING to have sex and am willing to have children soon so that we can do it. Amen.
“And the engine, where was it made? BAM! Mexico! Orale…”
– Tio Jorge, upon reading the tag on a new car. He’s pretty excited that Mexico was represented at the 2008 Auto Show. I would like to add that right after he said it, I burst out laughing, and along came TWO salesmen. Apparently laughter attracts them to “potential buyers.” Sort of...
Math Teachers are Socially Awkward, too!
Random teacher at happy hour: Hi, [redacted]. I'm [redacted]. We've never met, but I've heard a lot about you from your kids.
Me: Oh, no. What did they say?
Random: Nothing bad! I have some questions for you, though. And they're personal. You can tell me to shut up if you don't want to answer them.
Me: Huh. Okay.
Random: Are you married?
Me: [Holds up vacant left hand.] Not so much.
Random: Are you in a relationship?
Me: [Shakes head.] Again, not so much, no.
Random: And, how old are you? I mean, you look about 5, but you must be older than that.
Me: 24, not 5.
Random: Thank you very much. [Walks away.]
What the? Was this meant to be a pickup line? Was he wearing all purple and walking in front of a bulldozer picking his nose? Good Lord. And from what I've seen of your blog, you do NOT look like you are five (although I am sure that was meant to be charming on his part, and it failed miserably. Like trying to measure rice using the pythagorian theorem).--TanMadge
The Roommate challenges TM's tan-ness!
(Commercial mumbo jumbo in background)
TM: Let me tell you what. Cuervo and Coke is NEVER a good idea. Regardless of how good-looking the guys in this commerical are.
Trinidad: Oh yeah? How do you know that? Personal experience?
TM: Well, yeah. Kind of. I haven't actually tried it, but I know things.
Trinidad: And can you state what qualifies you as an expert in this field?
TM: Well, to start, I'm half-Mexican. . .
Trinidad: And?
TM: And half-caucasian. Which makes me an expert in Cuervo. . . AND COKE!
Trinidad: . . .(Cat-butt mouth). . .
TM: What's that? Yeah-that's-what-I-thought-SUCK-IT! I'll call you if I need advice on steel-drums or some shit. "Expert."
Trinidad: . . .(Cat-butt mouth with eyebrow raised). . .
Reflecting back on the bad date that almost was...
TM: So, instead of seeing a Fortune Teller, what do you say we grab a beer or something to eat?
Baby Teeth: Yeah, that sounds good, where?
TM: Well, I would hate to have you drive too far, want to meet in the middle?
Baby Teeth: How does Beaverton sound?
TM: Fine. But I have to admit I don't know any places out there that aren't chain restaurants. It is Beaverton.
Baby Teeth: How about Red Robin?
TM: . . .
Baby Teeth: Come on! It's good! I mean they have that special dipping sauce for french fries!
TM: You mean, ketchup? They have that in lots of places.
Baby Teeth: Well, yeah. I mean no, I mean. . .that salty stuff.
TM: Salt? Seasoned salt?
Baby Teeth: Yeah, that's it! It's so good.
TM: Yeah, alright. Whatever. *sigh!*
My goal. . .
…for tonight is to near-complete Atonement, and to begin Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Then I plan to get a couple of pages into Straight Up and Dirty. Who am I effing kidding? I’m going to watch “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” on the FX channel, comb my hair, and text Hostile Holly. All the while glancing over at my novels, perhaps gingerly...
If we fought. . .
…I could totally take one of my students. Today Chelsea tells me that she had a dream/nightmare about me over the weekend, and she and I were fighting and she was really upset when she woke up. The following is ACCURATE dictation from our conversation at the end of class: Chelsea: So I woke up and I was upset, and so hurt. TM: Was it a physical fight or just screaming? Chelsea: Screaming....
Post Hot-Yoga Dinner Day Two
Hostile Holly: The last rave I saw was on Dawson's Creek
Tan Madge: I didn't even know they still existed! What is this, 1994? The only thing I can say about raves is that I really liked that movie "Go." It has Katie Holmes and Scott Wolf. Did you see it?
HH: Mmm. Hmm. In the theater. But I was busy sucking my boyfriend's di*k.
I HATE Air Canada!
Me: Bianca has a Tumblr crush on [redacted].
Claire: He has a girlfriend. I totally had a crush on him, too... until I realized he has a girlfriend.
Me: Well, don't tell Bianca he has a girlfriend. I just convinced her to go to Canada with me, so I can use my Air Canada credit.
Claire: You are such an asshole! I am totally telling Bianca!
TM: Are you reading this?!?!?
TM's Inner Voice: Hells yeah.
TM: Shit. Canada is oot.
TM's Inner Voice: Totally oot!
-tanmadge
The Problem with Hot Yoga...
is it is HOT. But there is something about the night before a day of teaching, where your ankle has beads of sweat, you feel as if you are going to faint, you’re surprised that you actually CAN reach your forehead to your knee. Then you look over at Hostile Holly, and she is mouthing the words “Chipotle” and you begin thinking about the gift-card dinner the two of you will be...
“Remember when American Idol was hosted by Seacrest and that other guy? And to...”
– TM’s inner monologue as I catch a toothpaste commercial starring Mr. Ryan himself. No one is in the room, so I tend to maintain conversations with myself. Silently.
The problem with Hot Yoga. . .
is that it is HOT. But there is something about the night before a day of teaching, where your ankle has beads of sweat, you feel as if you are going to faint, you’re surprised that you actually CAN reach your forehead to your knee. Then you look over at Hostile Holly, and she is mouthing the words “Chipotle” and you begin thinking about the gift-card dinner the two of you will...
“Few things turn a guy on as much as a woman who makes her man feel like...”
– wise words from Dave Zinczenko’s latest Yahoo column, What Makes a Man Marry? I find this so interesting…I have to admit I had to re-read it a few times. But I find it fascinating. My addendum is: I think that nothing turns a man on more than a woman who doesn’t need him! The Y...
The boy vs. the Man
I think that it takes a few of us (read: MYSELF) a few tries before we realize that some Y Chromosomes are boys and some are men. Here is the breakdown that I have come up with: Boy: dodging parents, disgusting bathroom-dwelling, fast-food eating, unemployed child who wears ridiculous get-ups (a la long underwear, robes, roper boots, sweater vests, t-shirts with references to boobs, black socks to...
“Interpretation is INFURIATING. Nobody like to be TOLD what they think / hear....”
– Moops, a psychologist. Talking about a wannabe psychologist, putting his rookie moves on TM. Better work on that swing pal, you’re in the major league.
Being addicted
Alright. So it is safe to admit that we all have addictions right? I thought I would work on owning my addictions, by admitting them. Totally honest here. I’m addicted to: —asking my parents to bail me out. —coffee —drinking on a Friday and/or Saturday night —making my bed —men who don’t appreciate me and/or don’t treat me how I deserve to be...
“Is it me, or does Holmes have a snag? And I don’t mean a loose thread in...”
– TM making snide comments about Mrs. Cruise in her appearance in Batman Begins. Brought to this SE Portland casa, via the FX channel.
“Ok orphans already have a hard enough time. Why they gotta make some scary-ass...”
– Trinidad expresses her sensitivity over the new Spanish horror film, The Orphanage, due out in theaters in February.
What the. . .
Good Lord, Michigan. Way to get my “open-mouth, look of disdain” face from all the way across the country.