January 2008
101 posts
2007 Re-hash on New Years Eve (thanks to HH)
In 2007, I gained my life back—the way it was meant to be! I lost a lover, a family friend and about 30 pounds. I stopped trying to fit myself into a happy-wife-suburban-life box. I started trusting my gut and putting up boundaries. I was hugely satisfied by the Oregon State Beavers Football season And frustrated by not getting over a long-term relationship fast enough! I am so embarrassed...
December 2007
30 posts
Weird things to do naked. . .
—making ramen —signing up with the ACLU —lighting a menorah
Things to fight for. . .
1. Freedom 2. Right to choose 3. Spectacular mofo’s. (HH—isn’t this supposed to be the easy, passionate, FUN part of dating? I didn’t even work this hard when I was training for the marathon!)
Weird things to do while nekkid
1. Get dressed - Lo 2. Wash the dog - Moop 3. Swinging on a swingset - Lo 4. Tiling a roof - TM Any more?
“You’re such an asshole in your Pendleton jacket riding split-nut in your...”
– Lo on what she would have liked to say to her ex-boyfriend when she saw him in Vegas.
“Man, give me an inch and I’ll take…actually I’ll take six...”
– Lo in an Easter card to TM
The "Maxi-Pad" on sex 3.23.05
Lo: We were just discussing the fact that we haven’t had sex for a while. Moop: Here, smell this (candle)…see? Isn’t that better? Lo: Oh, you’re right. Because the smell of the bottom of the candle totally replaces the feeling of a penis in my vagina…thank you for trivializing sex for me.
Explaining HIM to the gals
Em: Are you texting Justin Bobby? TM: That isn’t his name. Em: Whatever. Olivia: Who? New guy? TM: Yeah. Sort of. It’s nothing. Em: They’ve been dating for like almost two months. TM: NOOO. One month. With a few week-long hiatus’. Em: And he’s a coke addict. Olivia: !!! TM: Not true. He has DONE it but doesn’t anymore. Olivia: Is that him texting you? ...
If it is one thing I want to be rid of in 2008. ....
…it is opportunists. Yes, those people that only grant you a serious commitment (whoa, don’t get me wrong here. I don’t mean marriage, or even a committed relationship, I mean, they will show up for plans that they have previously committed to) when and IF they feel it is the best opportunity for them to get something out of you. Maybe a free drink, perhaps a ride, maybe some...
Idiocy revisited
PN (Pink Nip): I just think that you are checking me all the time. Like you throw an elbow here and there, like you’re checking me. TM: Well maybe you need to be checked. PN:___________ TM: Well, it’s TRUE! And frankly, I think you aren’t used to it, and I think you LIKE it and are AFRAID of it. I think you’re used to girls falling all over themselves to take the bait and...
The nerve of someone's ho-liday spirit!
Text sent to me by the aforeposted asshole: “Looks like we missed each other on Wednesday…hope you are well. I’m illin in Dakota pretty fun. Won a gingerbread contest with my sis!” 8:00 pm TM’s response? _______________ “Santa’s was in trouble. Santa is in jail. Did you hear?” 8:00 am TM’s response? _____why is santa in jail?_____...
Talking . . .
…on the phone with a boy—and I was sooooo excited. And now I am typing as we “talk.” Good Lord. How did something with so much potential (read: cute, employed, seemingly fun) turn into the most BO-RING convo EVER?!?!? God help me.
“Give a hoot, don’t pollute!”
– An old quote that I think we need to apply to the “clean the dating pool” campaign that I am embarking upon this year. For more information, please contact your local TM follower…or your congresswoman.
Preview shot of "Where the Wild Things Are"...
The roommate wants some answers. . .
TM: Hi. Trinidad: So? How did it go? TM: Fine. Good. He was nice. Trinidad: Yeah, so? You gonna see him again or what? TM: Um. Yeah, sure. Trinidad: What is the problem? TM: He was nice and everything. But I think he laughed too much. Trinidad: … TM: He laughed too much! Trinidad: Well don’t be so damn funny! TM: I can’t help that shit! Trinidad: Ah. I see. “Too...
The update. . .
Did TM makeout? No. No makeout. He was nursing a cold, and was sneezing and wheezing, and TM was not about to catch that clap via lip. Did TM have a nice time? Um. Sure. Will TM see Boston again? Sure. Was Boston below TM’s chin-level? No. If placed correctly with the right ballerina flats, TM and Boston are at eye level. Boston might be even taller. TM was having a flat hair day though. ...
“If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”
– Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell, on the episode where they make a video for a time capsule. She tilted her big hair to the side as she said it. I was eleven and I wanted to punch her in the face.
The time to talk about butt cracks. . .
Graduate School teaches you a lot. How to “hug students appropriately,” how to “teach writing” and how to “dress.” What they don’t prepare you for is how to tell a student that her pants are so low, I can see her “pencil holder.” Me: Hey, Chelsea. Your pencil holder is showing. Might want to pull those bad-boys up. Chelsea: My what? Me:...
Aspirations sans perspirations. . .
Date tomorrow. Hope it doesn’t suck. Hope he doesn’t suck. Hope he doesn’t ask to meet my parents this Christmas. Or ask me if I am afraid of marriage. Or have gotten out of two email relationships three years ago. Or doesn’t text message me after getting morning wood. Let’s be honest, it will probably happen, but he has an accent so it might feel more exotic? ...
“And THAT is why I had to buy the friggin chicken strips!”
– My lovely friend, HH, as she told me about a wacky situation with a wacky Y Chromosome. Let’s be honest they’re ALL wacky. And they stink.
I hate boys.
They smell. And they pee standing up, which is just, you know…pompous.
“Well you never really wanted to go out with him anyway, right? I mean...”
– Words from the mouth of Mom. She does know how to hit the nail on the head. That’s cowgirl advice, right there.
A letter to myself for next week. . .
Dear TM, Yes, you feel lousy right now. And why? Because you fell into a trap and let someone screw you over. Well, you didn’t let them. You stupidly assume that people are good by nature, and don’t lure people into feeling hurt on purpose. And this person has a butt chin, soft, pink chesticles and niplets, an awful smoker’s breath, rough skin, a skinny penis, a flat and...
A letter to my friend HH
Dear HH, I think it is about time we do a little man makeover. 1) Let’s let them know that making love to our faces during initial makeout sessions is only popular in Edith Wharton novels. 2) That having crazy ridiculous hair does not “empower” but “kill game.” Especially if he gets reprimanded by his boss for it. 3) Texting is NOT an adequate / intimate form of...
“The whiskeydick is alive and well, my friends…”
– Old Testament J
Setting up for a baaaaad evening. . .
Well I have to hand it to myself. Quite the Saturday evening lined up. About to grab a drink with my buddy to let him know that the ex that broke his heart got engaged today. Oh and I plan to follow up with the “We’re never going to make out. EVER.” speech. Glad I changed my sweater. Man tears hide better in a navy sweater than a white one I think.
“I was seriously dating this girl on myspace for about 10 months. We were...”
– Guy I went on a date with. Yet another reason to explain why I even take birth control pills.