August 2011
1 post
The thing about nipples in public is. . .
…they are EVERYWHERE. It seems that the new I-don’t-care-about-what-I-look-like-fashion has a new accessory. And guess what? It isn’t a bra. Well, not a lined one anyway.
Has this been happening for a while? Have I just recently caught on to nippapalooza? This is hands-down the most active attention-seeking behavior curdled with a “Oh, I didn’t know that they were...
March 2011
1 post
The thing about snow culture in Oregon. . .
Is it me or are there no minorities here?
Ok, that isn’t a great way to start out. But seriously, where my brown people at?
I’m currently on my Spring Break and sitting in a lodge typing away and planning classes while my manfriend snowboards down a rather large, well it looks like a cliff to me, with his best friend.
I had delusions of grandeur to the Thursday of my Spring Break....
January 2011
1 post
And suddenly its 1997 all over again. . .
The roaring echo of squeaking sneakers, the thump of a ball being dribbled down the court, claps, whistles, the overwhelming confusion and feelings of self-consciousness as I walk through double-doors trying to figure out an appropriate place to sit and blend in with everyone else. I feel people watch me as I walk around the court. I am overly aware of myself, my body, my clothes and even the path...
November 2010
1 post
I wonder. . .
…what it is about women that makes men nervous? What makes women nervous about men? I am open to new insights, I feel that I’m losing my creative ability to understand this.
October 2010
2 posts
Marathon #4
Was a little nuts. Went out way too fast for 18 miles and almost had a panic attack for the next three. Was not phased by the idea of finishing, or even continuing. Just wanted to hurry up and get done so the boyfriend and I could have a meal with my parents, followed by a Marathon of “Gossip Girl” on my couch.
Some people don’t feel they need to punish themselves by running...
“I had to kick him out because he de-friended me on Facebook. The only way he can...”
– An ACTUAL quote from a parent about their teenager, who happens to be a student in one of my classes. And we wonder why they are failing all of their classes.
September 2010
1 post
August 2010
1 post
Vocab Word / Workout of the Day:
Vagacercise. Let’s give those Kegels a workout, ladies.
July 2010
3 posts
Five things I NEVER wanted to hear when at the...
Excuse me Miss, can you hand me that band-aid floating over there?
You’re really an amazing…color.
You want to taste it? It’s really salty.
Do you mind if I just sit and watch you?
I bet people could do some wild stuff in here, if they felt comfortable. I’m Brian by the way. I didn’t catch your name, but you seem like a chill girl.
“I found a mechanic for my Cruiser and I think I am in love with him. Sorry...”
– Amish J, reports his new man-crush to Julie and I during our morning coffee & porch chat in the Piedmont neighborhood.
“Did I tell you that I’m trying to market IT guys as the new Firemen?...”
– Jeffy, my good friend, who also happens to be an IT guy.
June 2010
1 post
Ten things I would do if I were a man:
1). Pee standing up. I’d pee at every opportunity that presented itself: camping, excuse me I have to go stand facing this bush, at a restaurant, let me saddle up to this urinal, at home, wow! I don’t even have to take my pants off.
2). Go to a bar and watch a sports game. Maybe I would befriend other lone wolves and sit at a bistro table with them, making conversation and taking...
May 2010
5 posts
The gentrification of N Portland and how it is...
The douches have landed. It’s official.
Let me keep this short: paramounting the gentrification of North Portland neighborhoods over the last 10 years, it appears that not only are the neighborhoods becoming more expensive (and therefore driving out locals who can no longer afford the swank of New Seasons, the sight of cyclists on their new Canondales & Vanillas, or the smell of organic...
“How am I supposed to teach with her when her big idea is for us to take kids to...”
– One of many breakthroughs had by Diz and myself as we chaperoned the student overnight trip to the Shakespeare Festival.
Dating hasn't changed much since high school. ....
Here are the ways it is largely the SAME:
Unnecessary need to hug the person every time you see them. What is this, a family reunion?
Wearing outfits that you would never wear before realizing this person existed
Necking.
Hooking up with a guy after a couple of drinks leads to a never-ending barrage of texts, phone calls and conversations with friends who are disappointed and shocked at the...
March 2010
3 posts
“That 40 year-old put his manhood on your hip? Man, the 80’s can KEEP their...”
– Ah, Trinidad. She always knows the PERFECT response after hearing one of my dating fiascos.
“Maybe he is rubbing her shins, maybe he’s touching her boobs. Who knows...”
– Amish J has a running commentary when we see one of our coworkers with her new husband. Amish J had a falling out with her this year and it climaxed during a meeting when he told her (during mediation with our principal) that he didn’t want to be her friend. We become more and more like our...
And now, let's talk about chewing lips & poking...
Another date story—I am sure you’re shocked.
We went to a Blazer game which was a lot of fun! Two rows behind the Blazer bench, Rudy Fernandez looked at me twice during huddles, and smiled once (I made an idiot of myself by looking back at him, simply shocked)—all in all a great game.
My date walks me to my door, gives me a smooch, and begins nibbling on the lower right corner...
February 2010
5 posts
“It was a shitty date with a nice set of boobs. End of story.”
– Old Testament J gave me the update on his Friday night.
Billy Joel & Elton John concert
…was AWESOME! Can’t go wrong with Mr. Joel. But I have to admit that I spent much of the evening wondering if either of these fine piano-playing gentlemen had pierced penis tips.
I’m fairly positive Billy doesn’t (coincides with his Long-Island schtick), but not too sure about Elton.
Then again, the pierced penis that I shook hands with on Friday is from Long Island....
The thing I did NOT expect to find in his pants
…a cock-ring, folks.
Well, not one exactly. His penis is pierced—PIERCED! Did you hear me?
Been spending the past week brainstorming with friends about how to ask for the history of the piercing without eeking my judgment on it.
Also been really worried that if and when that piercing heads toward my ladyzone, it could potentially snag on my IUD, Ida, and unintentionally evict her...
Where has the spark gone?
Hmm. I’m considering not dating for a while. Maybe it is just me (granted, I am pretty quirky so it probably IS me) but I am not in a situation where I feel a spark (the closest I come to lately is a fire under my ass getting me to run to my car as quickly as possible) with guys that I date. And yes, I did recently jog to my car while evading a goodnight makeout session. This leads me to an...
While at the auto show. . .
I ran into my boyfriend, here. We were both surprised to see each other:
1) Because he didn’t seem to recognize me OR my dad, and
2) Because he didn’t tell me that he would be signing autographs in the Subaru-zone. I thought he was an Audi-man!
January 2010
5 posts
I'm definitely the Elaine of my social circle: Yet...
Young, hipster guy.
Visible tattoos (yes, hotness).
Pseudo-fauxhawk (meh).
When saying something chidingly, he would blink hard and stick his tongue between his teeth while smiling (uhh).
Friggin’ guy kept showing me his friggin’ tongue.
Oh right, and he had never heard of “Ducktales”—WTF??
Dating dilemma
At what point is it acceptable to break off a pseudo-relationship with a guy because:
a) he’s too young for me.
and more importantly,
b) his name is akin to a popular cheese?
Why. . .
…would the two young German guys sitting next to me on a plane from London (it was at freezing when the plane took off) to Vancouver (don’t know the temp but pretty DAMN cold when we landed) be wearing shorts with button up shirts?
Here are the theories my mother and I came up with:
1) Showing off the tans they got during their holiday vacation in Greece
2) German custom for New...
I'd like to thank YOU, Canada!
Dear Canada,
Thank you for ushering in an excellent New Years Eve for this weary traveler. Yes, I was disappointed that my only outgoing flight from London had to be on Air Canada, and therefore I had to censor my Canada-themed jokes during the 9.5 hour plane ride. (My chuckling had to be silenced with my hand during your odd-pronunciations of words during take-off instructions and landing, and I...
December 2009
2 posts
Public drinking option? London couldn't be...
People, true genius is being able to get your mulled wine/prosecco/hard, hot cider in a to-go cup at the market and walk around all evening, with everyone else in London, getting sloshed before Christmas Eve.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my country (not in a Toby Keith way, but in a protective, but sometimes embarrassed way—like the owner of a leg-humping obsessed dog), however, I wish...
Parallel of eating shit in a pool. ....
Today it happened. During my 5am swim, I was in mid-stroke, deep in thought, when I slammed into the wall. Ok that is an exaggeration. my hand punched the wall, curled under my torso and my momentum made me bonk my head. Don’t worry, I’m not dead, but I did come up and say “Shit!” which reverberated throughout the building, no doubt.
What was I pondering so deeply that...
November 2009
4 posts
The five faces of dating life in the last three...
Face #1: Personal trainer, D. Let’s say D stands for “Douchebag.” Evidently Lord Douchebag is looking for a Lady Douchebag to help him rule the roost. Lord D made fun of my football team all evening, said I reminded him of his sister, was trying to stick his finger in my ass-crack at a restaurant (yeah, you read that right), and then later got drunk and pinned me to the floor of...
Two cities enter, one city leaves. . .THUNDERDOME →
Sunday marked the Single-Speed Cyclo Cross World Championships. Because the biking community in Portland can do no less than be the most chaotic, dirty group of rabble-rousers in the country, the theme of this year’s race at the mud raceways was Mad Max-Thunderdome. As a supporter of this wacky group of mud-coated, wheel-grinding, steeplechasing I volunteered myself to hang in a madmax...
October 2009
4 posts
Ever wonder if the personal trainer is hitting on...
They are.
“Hey there!”
“Hey yourself.”
“Come here often?”
“Yes. Do you?”
“Hell yeah! I would have remembered you from before. Nice jacket.”
“Nice polo.”
“Can I chat with you while you work out?”
“Can you talk underwater? I’m hitting the pool, baby.”
“Maybe I could catch up with you...
A giant penis stalked me at the marathon.
Yes, the giant boner that I went out with, stalked me at the marathon. I was crossing the Broadway Bridge at Mile 25 (1.2 miles left—if you haven’t run a marathon, this seems like it would be the easiest part, but it is HELL) when I saw a young man running the opposite direction, sans bib or real running clothes (he was wearing some poser, Nike shit with Univ. of Oregon logos all over...
September 2009
5 posts
My ideal Bachelorette Party
Yes, I know that this celebration is a LONG ways off, but recent involvement as a bridesmaid (do you hear that old phrase about “always a bridesmaid”?) had me thinking about my ideal Bachelorette Party. After many years, and many different levels of involvement I have come to a conclusion about the “what I wants” in this joyous, pink celebration. (Note: the “what I...
After spending a week back with the teens &...
…I realize that we are raising a generation of strippers. Thanks Paris Hilton for all of the positive cultural influences you have bestowed upon young ovary-carriers. Cause they’re probably going to do their homework without being whores—right.
August 2009
6 posts
Why young females should stay busy
The more and more that I spend time with friends I realize that a committment to staying active and avoiding idleness prevents us as young women, from getting too: wrapped up in our own heads, obsessing over work, a partner’s work, our parents’ relationships, our siblings’ relationships, money, our bodies, our partner’s bodies, or a lack of partner’s bodies, etc.
I...
Things / Ideas that freak me out while swimming at...
Even though it is only 4’ of water, there is always the potential to drown. I hear it can happen in 2” of water.
I’m soaking my body in the same water as the hairy guy in the next lane. His (along with others’) genital juice is near and on my face. Usually I get dinner and a little makeout before this happens.
When getting out of the pool and into the hot tub, I almost...
One of the stranger phrases I have said during a...
“I can’t believe you got pistol-whipped.”
“So we sell fake Gucci’s and kidneys, so what? That’s Jersey.”
– During our jaunt at the Cape Jill regailed us on the less-obvious commerce of her homestate.